Dr Everton Morteus Balmer
"EVERYTHING needs the force of death."
Bioform: Mortuary equipment, biometallic/parachemical
Native zone: The Morgue
Residence: The Morgue, inert sub-concept vessel
Occupation: Head of Inert Biovessel Sterilization and Categorization licensed in all biopositive and quasipositive matter-zones, Preservatist, Endozonal Sterilator, Concept-matter Repurposant
Likes: Cheese, pickles, booze
Dislikes: Dirt, decay, "vermin"
Blog: Personal blog
Sentient embalming machine and head inert biovessel archivist. He is also the main antagonist of the Morgue arc.


Dr Balmer is an animate embalming machine. The two dials act as his eyes and he speaks from the glass tank which contains the embalming fluid. The fluid is capable to show his emotions and could be similar to a brain. He clunks loudly when he walks. When not in an endozone, he is the size of a normal embalming machine.

Working for the Preservators, Balmer is in charge of sterilizing, preserving and archiving dead bodies in the Morgue. He does that by endo-shifting into the inert endozone, setting up a lab, formulating a precise decontamination mixture, purging all bioforms and submitting the vessel for its final analysis by the Slab Council. Balmer does warn the natives and offers them free relocation to his retirement preserves, but most of them refuse the offer preferring to die in their own zone rather than extending their lifespan in an artificial environment. Balmer works alongside with his molecoid employees who maintain their base of operation. His main associates are Mister Methanyll and Miss Hyde, his only "friends".

Balmer has an enormous ego, considering himself the greatest in everything, not listening to what others tell him, even not listening to his own notes. In reality, he isn't nearly as smart as he likes to believe, showing incompetence in basic things such as writing his own blog, where he needed Hyde's help. He even has a hard time remembering other's names. Despite this, he does his job effectively well. Balmer is also very greedy, seeking to gain as much financial profit as possible. His treacherous nature makes him go as far as tricking Fern to retrieve the exvironator and then capturing her with the intention of selling her to the highest bidder.

Despite being a mortician, Balmer dislikes decomposition, infestation and catastrophe in general, but is also delighted by the thought of these things, using opposites together when talking (ex: "delectable horror", "decadent revulsion" etc). In fact, he makes no distinction between what he loves and what he hates. The more he hates something, the more he loves it, and vice versa. Balmer is also paranoid about dolphins, greatly fearing them. He also has decapitoids around his base for security.

Balmer has a crush on Phage and wishes to amalgamate the Hospital with the Morgue, but Phage refused. Frustrated, Balmer planned to sabotage the Hospital by using the exvironator he acquired which would make patients unsalvageable, thus the Hospital becoming obsolete and nobody would care about healing when it is much cheaper to dump their dying vessels to the Morgue.

At one point, Balmer fuses with a dolphin in a freak accident, becoming the powerful Balphin.

After The Morgue had a merger with Burgrr Inc. Balmer got assigned to be a simple frycook, tasked with cooking Slob meat. Because his body is too small for the job, he is now attached to a humanoid body made out of multiple colored Slob body parts stitched together in a Frankenstein-like fashion, with Balmer's full body being the head.

First AppearanceEdit

In Awful Hospital.


  • His abbreviated full name is a pun on embalmer (E.M. Balmer).
  • On the cast page his name is misspelled to Morpheus instead of Morteus.
  • His eye dial's color switch when impaled by the dolphin. This is only an artistic error.
  • Staph diagnosed Balmer with chronic superiority complex.
  • His personality is heavily based on Arktos from the Tabaluga series and maybe sounds like him too.
  • His favorite food is pickled cucumbers.