|Spleonard S. Spleenus|
|"I take it you're here so you can leave again in disgust."|
|Other names:||Spleen, Depressed Spleen, Sploenard (sic), Purple Thing|
|Likes:||I don't know, dirt?|
|Dislikes:||Everything, always, completely|
Depressed Spleen is, of course, a spleen. The rest of his body consists of a stalk made of veins and arteries. He is one of the more reproachable characters, due to his disdain of others and depressing attitude, best described as "a jaded, bitter, pessimistic, misanthropic, melodramatic, possibly masochistic glutton for misery and gloom." He also constantly complains, being an annoyance to others. He considers those that subject to his ramblings as self punishing and masochistic. He came to the Hospital to seek attention, not necessarily for treatment. Even if he doesn't have a real problem, he refuses to leave. Dr Phage recommended ignoring him until he leaves, an act he taken as far as blocking Spleen from his perception.
Despite his personality defects, Nurse Molly finds him interesting, staying by his bedside to listen to him talk about his life after treating him for malaria. It's not clear how Spleen is really feeling towards her, but considers her as "another kind of wretched" as opposed to others he interacted with. He actually felt good for the first time in his life.
However it turns out Molly was feeding off his blood and other medical waste to make Biobags, their offsprings. She drains away his malaria-infected blood until he looks all shriveled up but still alive. Their children, the Biobags, are all female and named Molly junior. They don't really interact with their father, tuning him out until he gets tired.
- His names are a play on the word spleen.
- On his blog his name is misspelled as "Sploenard".
- He is one of the first characters conceived right after it was decided that Hospital patients would be different organs.
- The "eyes" actually represent scarring from old injuries or infections, with the rest of the spleen looking lumpier, more deflated, and more ragged than a healthy one is supposed to.