Bioform: Electronic
Native zone: The Hospital
Residence: The Hospital
Occupation: Computer, security, data management
Likes: Jokes, memes
Dislikes: His life, the Parliament
Blog: Disqus profile
The computer in the Hospital's Surgery Ward.


Crash is a supercomputer found in the staff only area of the Surgery Ward. He has a huge main monitor screen and several other screens. There are many buttons, keys and dials, all of which he can use with his own cords. In this way he can even debug himself. The buttons are also covered in chips dust, with empty bags laying on the floor. The screen is black with green outlines making out the grid and his many distorted, warping, multiplying faces. His voice is electronic.

Crash has poor manners and a joking personality. He likes to give nicknames to everyone and anything. He also has the habit of saying computer sound effect out loud. When Fern first walked in his room, even if she qualifies as an intruder, he only jokingly threatened to electrocute her to death, not truly meaning it. Even when she tried to pretend to be Tori with her card (and failed), Crash only laughed at her attempt. His laugh is very obnoxious and sounds like an electronic chorus of turkeys. He doesn't seem too much loyal to the Hospital, as he calls it a "chop shop" and he's even willing to share his files with intruders. Beside his poor taste in jokes, he can also use memes from the real world. Such was the case when he reverse Rick Roll'd Fern as a joke. His ability to enter the grey zone internet is also demonstrated by his habit of causing plane crashes, if his words are to be believed. He does this out of boredom and he's also very bored of his limited job. With all his processing power, reading our entire internet is the equivalent of reading a magazine in a waiting room out of boredom. Crash is capable of much more but requires direct order from medical staff to perform certain tasks.

He dated the Hospital's X-ray machine and now they are exes.

Crash exploits the fact that the commenters bore so many holes into Fern's conceptual parameters that a part of him was silently riding along in her existosphere. He did the same with Jay, to who he is a false friend. This easy access also made him able to put them in layer stasis in the Organ Bank where he directly talked to the commenters having a ransom. He threatened to let Jay permanently kill Fern, who he manipulated to see Fern as a very dangerous enemy. Crash asked the commenters to together guide Fern in approving a core-swap procedure where his core were to be excised, and because without him the whole Hospital would go down, someone else would have to take his place. He wants this because his body is terribly ill from the Parliament, who seek to merge everything into a singular being. Assimilated into a single "idiot" mind is considered a fate worse than death by Crash and he much rather prefer unexistence, wishing for his core to be destroyed. In fact, before meeting Fern, Crash's first plan was to whittle the staff down to only the dumbest in order to weaken the Hospital until it collapses.

Fern isn't very fond of letting Crash unexist and he eventually gets his core schroded (a state of simultaneous existence and nonexistence) by Scissie and Scissane under the orders of Fern, who was pretending to be Tori. Infuriated when he found out about this, Crash tried to stop the operation by breaking all of Jay's bones to transform him into a monstrous Slob (Final Jayslob) and sending him to the surgery room, which Fern and Willis managed to defeat. Crash himself was hitching a ride in Jay and erupted from him as Crashslob, a mix between a computer and a Slob. He continuously attacked the protagonist but Fern tried to talk with him and she discovered that Crash had been fond of his technician, who was erased from existence. After being withered by his own sickness, Crash's core was schroded as the operation finished.

Being fairly new to the Hospital, Willis is actually older than him and he is somewhat comparable to a little child.

First AppearanceEdit

In Awful Hospital.


  • His name is a joke on the term "crash" when it comes to computers.
    • It's also a joke on the fact that he crashes planes.
  • His dialogue is written in all caps.
  • He is the one who has to keep remaking Tori's ID cards when she loses them. He also can't be fooled when an impostor uses one of his cards as disguise.
  • A computotechnicianist used to keep him happy but they were murdered and unexistalized possibly by Jay so nobody on the staff remembers them. This is also the cause why Crash's mental state degrades over time.
  • Crash has a Disqus account and joined the Awful Hospital comment section on page 525. After interacting with the commenters until he got bored, he erased from existence the most troublesome ones and left.
  • Crash was originally planned to be just a puzzle element with little hints of personality. "This was ALMOST just an inanimate computer system with only hints of a personality, because I thought maybe we had too many characters at too high a density".
  • Crash made a gag where Awful Hospital had a short hiatus right after the page where Jay had his bones broken and the first page after the hiatus was over had an image of Crash exclaiming that it was a long break.